Lost Days


Loss of Childhood

Since I last posted, things took a turn for the worst. My father, too, passed. Now, my mother and father are both gone. I know this world is a little less great because of that.

I have to take full responsibility of myself. I always had my mother and father looking out for me, anyway they could. I also know the duty of keeping my sister, brother and I together also now falls on us. To stay the close family we were, we must act to keep it so.

My parents were parents before anything else. They were also my friends and confidants, but before that all that parents.

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Consoling Fears

When you were a kid, did you ever sleep in your parents’ bed because you were scared? Ever look at them and think they were more than human?

I remember my father’s shoulders being so wide, and my mom as the epidemy of a lady. Maybe it wasn’t your parents, but there must have been at least one person you looked up to, and admired. As a teenager I ridiculed my parents. Questioned everything they did. Often thought what they thought and did was stupid.

BUT. If I was lost or just needed someone, they were there. Every time.

My mother is gone. And my father is about to undergo open heart surgery. I’m scared for him. I wish I could curl up into a ball and be held lovingly by him. But, I also wish I could console him more, and fear I fail.

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Regretting the Future

My mother was a key figure in my life. She is the person who found me, and loved me enough to adopt me. I owed her more than I could return. It is regrettable that I won't be able to share my future acomplishments with her.

I know she was always proud of me, no matter what I did. She was there for me for the regular things like graduating from high school and college. Then the less regular things like getting a job and getting married. Next were the more unusual things like my divorce and moving to Japan. She supported me and helped me through all of it.

As I approach graduating with yet another bachelor's degree, I think of how she won't be able to partake in my triumph. I also think of things yet to come: settling into a career, getting married again, and having children. I wish I could have done all of that before she passed, but know she would be proud of me when I do accomplish such things.


Sadness from laughter

“I love to hear you laugh.”

Tonight caught up on missed episode of The Big Bang Theory. When the episode ended, I continued to laugh and remembered mom saying that to me. It usually followed the question, “What were you watching that was so funny?”

As I had mentioned previously, my mother in the end of January. I’ve been wanting to write about it for a while, but was scared away about trying to write too much. I’ve decided to write shorter posts as the mood hits me, rather than one long diatribe. I feel it will be more cathartic, and keep the posts meaningful.

I need to thank all my family and friends that have reached out to me over the past month. I know it hit them just as shockingly as it hit me. Talking with some other friends who have lost a close relative, I realized everyone has felt or will feel the loss I feel at some point in their lives. It’s one of the many things that connect us together across sex, age, race, and culture.